test time!

Pardon my absence (but also encourage it); it is test time once again. Thankfully this December, I only have 5 tests, 5 measly tests, until the complete freedom and bliss of a 2-week break, during which I will have fun every second and love everyone around me extravagantly. Get ready!

Last December, I had 15 tests in 18 days, a scourging that has lead me to greatly appreciate this second year of medical school. I cannot say I survived the year without a few tears along the way; in fact, I once wrote myself this little note to help me out of those clouded moments (I honestly could not afford the time to sit and sob):

Despairing child,

For what, for whom, do you exist? Can you endure the present burden for the sake of lifelong purpose? Patiently carry this moment’s tension—between what you are supposed to do and what you are actually able to do—by realizing the present’s role in facilitating the future. The parameters of your perspective are embarrassingly limited. To properly understand yourself and know what that piece of the Fire inside you is responsible for, you must set yourself in the widest possible context, the whole of humanity. Adopt a stature of gratitude—this life (and school) is a privilege—God is loving you extravagantly with this specific path.

            “what is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance”

Sense the confused energies inside you caused by thwarted plans to accomplish what you so desire. Instead, will the one thing (God’s way) and allow life to be a healthy integration of actions enveloped by that one will, so that your energy/passion does not dissipate. Regain self-aware communion with God and others by involving both inward and outward commitments. Let spirituality—that channeled passion—keep you glued together. Let the known transience of anxiety raise your mind above the mire of this desperately narrow personal perspective.  Fortify your cracks by looking upward and outward (towards God and community). You are a vessel, that when coherent in mind, body, and soul, can carry out great tasks because you are essentially harboring a great spirit. Do not allow anxiety and despair to paralyze that spirit or damage your soul’s communion with it. A climate of narcissism, pragmatism, and unbridled restlessness does not foster the depth and healthy interiority necessary to accomplish this course of life. Too much order imposed on your life suffocates you—therefore allow yourself to occasionally stretch chaotically and lovingly in order to foster a mellowness of heart. Do not sit down and close up; reach out, actively seek transcendence of this moment. Depend on your faith community to not permit you to wallow, unencumbered by right perspective. Breathe in deeply the peace you know exists outside and above this moment. Partake in the next action with gratitude and appreciate the peace created in its wake.

Disclaimer: yes, i wrote this to myself, but maybe even one other person will find it beneficial in a moment of angst...