“learning how to make toast is burning bread minus 5 seconds”

I have not had a day off since the 4^th of July. I am not complaining; in fact there is some pride in that confession. husBen has been non-stop studying for this Bar so I feel okay working hard too. In fact, I like it. I veer towards feeling guilty when I am home. Can you see where this is headed?

HusBen’s diligence comes to fruition this week as he is 2 days down into his 3 day Bar exam!! He maybe feels a little crazy, but I affirm him that he is just feeling the weight of genius; no one should feel sane under that much duress…or you might actually lack real sanity. He finishes tomorrow then has a month of freedom that will hopefully quell all fears that he has lost touch with reality (although such intense focus does kind of demand that you loosen your real world requirements). 

I just started my pediatric surgery rotation at Texas Children’s Hospital and found this amazing woman surgeon that is just an absolute gem. She is one of those people who immediately garner respect by her posture towards the patient, by her willingness to look you (a mere student) in the eye and care that you are really learning and not just nodding your head in submission. I admire her skill paired with this brilliance-by-subtlety kind of attitude. She just down right makes me excited about my next month of “work.”

Here is where the toast aphorism comes in. I am kind of an intense personality type (not usually brash and outspoken, but more like aggressive towards life and daylight hours). Although I am quite sure she meant to suggest an ability to learn from our mistakes, when this famed woman surgeon said to me “learning how to make toast is burning bread minus 5 seconds,” my mind thought of temperance, of intentional moderation, of gentleness that I admittedly lack (and Ben has thankfully lacked during his Bar preparation).  Sometimes we run so hard in one direction that we forget that the world itself is running as well, with our friends and family running their own races, in which we would be privileged to participate.

I do not expect myself to stop burning (burning up my energy that is, hopefully not burning food…since I seem to be on a cooking hiatus). I just hope this work/life balance concept dawns on me soon enough that I learn how to continue this zeal for a lifetime. Or at least until I am 85. 

I plan to recuperate this weekend with husBen. I promise this will yield some sort of fabulous food that I can once again be excited to share with you people. Until then, eat these words: live life exhaustively and with enough energy to love your people well! 

make risotto (with the extra time that no one has)

Guess what? I did not make this for dinner last night. Not even a week ago. Longer than that. I have been so busy at "work" lately that any time I have available at home, I need to spend actually cooking the dinner itself, and not sitting here blogging about it. You see, husBen cannot eat these words...and the man needs to be fed. 

This feels like a big week. HusBen takes the Bar exam next Tuesday and we are just trying to remain calm in this house. Funny how heavily a test can bear on your perspective...or sanity...or choice of sweatpants. "One more week and this will all be over," I tell him (while spinning the wheels in my head trying to figure out how I can take care/support him in this final push while also trying to work 80 hours). It's doable, people, I believe it. 

Here is a dish I made awhile back and am finally sitting down to process. It is worth that time you don't have, I promise.

Roasted garden tomato risotto with homemade basil pesto and Parmesan

2 large garden tomatoes

handful of cherry tomatoes

2 cloves garlic

olive oil, salt and pepper

6 cups chicken broth or homemade stock, more if needed

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 onion, chopped

2 cups Orzo pasta (or arborio rice if you want more classic risotto)

1/2 cup dry white wine

1 ½ teaspoons salt

1/2 cup dry-packed or oil-packed sun-dried tomatoes, chopped

1 tablespoon tomato paste

1/4 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper

1/4 cup grated Parmesan, more for serving

basil, julienned

homemade pesto

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Roughly chop your large tomatoes into about 1” x 1” chunks and leave your cherry tomatoes whole. Toss with olive oil, salt, and pepper and place on baking sheet. Roast in the oven for 25-30 minutes or until starting to sizzle and release their juices.

In a medium saucepan, bring the broth to a simmer. In a large pot, heat the oil over moderately low heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes.

Add the pasta to the pot with your onions and stir until it begins to turn opaque, about 5 minutes. Add the wine, tomato paste and salt and cook, stirring frequently, until all the wine has been absorbed.

Add the sun-dried tomatoes and the roasted tomatoes (along with all of their rich juices) and about 1/2 cup of the simmering broth to the rice and cook, stirring frequently, until the broth has been completely absorbed. The rice and broth should bubble gently; adjust the heat as needed. Continue cooking the rice, adding broth 1/2 cup at a time and allowing the rice to absorb the broth before adding the next 1/2 cup. Cook the rice in this way until tender, 25 to 30 minutes in all. This may take awhile, but be present and patient at the stove, as this dish really does merit your attention. You may not need to use all of the liquid. Stir in the pepper and Parmesan. Garnish with basil, a swirl of pesto, and a few roasted cherry tomatoes each. Serve the risotto with additional Parmesan.

adapted from Food & Wine: Sun-Dried-Tomato and Pesto Risotto

gray matters

I have learned that post call I am semi-emotional. Going on hour 24 of no sleep, somehow I start to perceive my life through more dramatic eyes, imbibing my normal existence with severely esoteric value. I start to feel my weaknesses and doubt my strengths. No matter that I did not once feel tired overnight (as long as I was standing and/or someone was bleeding), the moment I sit still, I start to evaluate myself harshly and doubtingly. Did I make those hours count? Was I a valuable at work? Did I serve unrestrainedly?

I want to phone a friend at this point and complain. I want them to tell me it will be fine. I want them to confirm who I am. But truly I am too self-restrained (even in this moment of weakness) to call anyone…because compared to those traumas that rolled into the ER, I am doing all right. I am alive and intact and returning home to a fabulous husBen and sweet dog that loves me. I am still moving all extremities and serving my purpose. I am relatively unburdened and free. So what could I possibly complain about?!?!

I want to create an app for the iPhone that people can call on their way home from work, sort of like a hotline, that one could call and complain to about whatever they so desire. Someone would answer the phone and let you b+tch freely, then affirm you in your disgust with humanity or really anything. You would then arrive home feeling heard and satisfied and just able to love on whoever else next you see. A) please do tell me if this already exists and B) I think this is what the rest of females already do to their girlfriends. But I rarely share my joys or self-praises so I conversely try not to share personal ailment (not a behavior I endorse or suggest, just in my nature I suppose).

 You see, Ben is about to take the Bar, so I am doing my best to be extreeeeeemmmly calm when I get home after work. I rarely have complaints; more often I just want to tell him about which patient’s arm almost fell off or why we should never ever drive a motorcycle.  I am excited about what I am doing and want to share it with him. At some point, however, I decided that GRAY MATTERS. It is important that we involve our closest people in the development of self. Whether that means successes or failures, it is okay to digest our experiences with others, even when trials persist or when our dominant color is gray. Somehow the verbalization of our hardest or best moments forces us to take stock of their importance.

With that said, I still feel solid in my desire to pursue surgery. I satisfy myself in exhaustion, whatever area of life, and I do not consider it fault to live this way. Perseverance builds on our healthy receipt of challenge… and I still consider this challenge a blessing. 

work hard, relax hard

“Hell yeah, you gotta do what you love,” says the 24 year old who just crashed his motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back, in answer to my question of whether or not he would ever ride again.

“Exactly why I am sewing up your neck and going to be late to my husband’s birthday dinner,” I thought to myself (do not worry, I did not voice this out loud). I love this surgical rotation, and as my first rotation of 4^th year (and the first time I am setting my own work hours), I can see how a passion can become all consuming. The hours absolutely fly by at the hospital, then I am home again with hardly 3 waking hours left in the day to cook dinner, run, and read up for the next day. But I love it. Somehow I just love it.

I view this month as a privilege, fully acknowledging that such privileges require sacrifice and perseverance (and thankfully am blessed with a veeeeerry understanding husBen). Now if only I could figure out how to extend the hours of the day so that other areas of my life do not have to suffer…

We did have the 4^th of July off so I chose to exhaust myself in the kitchen instead that day. For a party planned with a group of about 15, a friend and I set the menu and everyone contributed a little. At some point in my effort to flip the ribs and chicken every 5 minutes (seriously, this recipe demands it), I forgot to take a picture…but just imagine the glazed and grilled goodness pulling tenderly off the bone and salivate all the same.

Menu:

Whiskey sour punch

Guacamole and chips

Grilled corn on the cob with garlic butter, fresh lime, and queso fresco

Grilled Chicken and Ribs with Sweet and Tangy barbeque sauce

Burnt Caramel Bourbon Ice Cream with Dark Chocolate and Toffee

Peach Pie

Grilled Corn on the Cob with Garlic Butter, Fresh Lime, and Queso Fresco

(from Bobby Flay’s Boy Gets Grill)

For the garlic butter:

12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, slightly softened

4 cloves garlic, coarsely chopped

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

For the corn:

8 ears corn, silks removed but husks left on, soaked in cold water for at least 10 minutes

2 fresh limes, quartered

1/2 cup crumbled queso fresco

Make the garlic butter:
 Combine the butter and garlic in a food processor or with a mixer until smooth. (To mix by hand, let the butter get very soft, then beat in the garlic, finely minced, with a large wooden spoon.) Season to taste with salt and pepper. (The garlic butter can be made in advance, covered, and kept refrigerated up to 2 days, or frozen for a week. Bring to cool room temperature before serving.)

Make the corn:
Heat your grill to high. Place the corn on the grill, close the grill hood, and cook for 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally, until steamed through and hot but still crisp (test by carefully piercing with a knife). Unwrap the husks from the corn and immediately spread or brush with garlic butter. Squeeze the limes on top and and sprinkle with cheese. Serve immediately.

Brother David's Grilled Chicken & Ribs

(from Simple Stunning Parties at Home by Karen Busen)

1/4 cup olive oil

3 pounds chicken pieces, skin on (thighs, drumsticks, breasts)

3 pounds pork ribs on the slab

Salt and pepper to taste

1/4 cup garlic powder

Sweet and Tangy barbeque sauce (see below)

Lightly brush your grill with olive oil and preheat it to approximately 350°F.

In the meantime, rinse the meat, pat it dry, and season with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Arrange the chicken and ribs on the grill. Resist turning the meat for at least 5 minutes. This will help it sear nicely. After 5 minutes or so, turn the meat over, sear the other side for 5 more minutes. Turn again, and this time, brush the meat with the barbecue sauce. Then turn again every 5 minutes, repeating the process of brushing the meat with sauce until the chicken and ribs are cooked through and the barbecue sauce begins to caramelize and form a crust on the meat (35 to 40 minutes).

Serve with more barbecue sauce on the side.

Sweet and Tangy Barbeque Sauce

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 large yellow onion, minced

2 cups ketchup

8-ounce jar honey mustard

2 tablespoons minced garlic

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup cider vinegar

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

Heat the oil in a large saucepan and sweat the onion until tender and translucent. Add all remaining ingredients and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove the sauce from the heat and use a handheld blender to process it to a smooth paste. (Alternatively, transfer it to an upright blender and back again.) Simmer gently for an additional 5 minutes.

Separate the sauce into two containers. Use one to marinate and glaze the meat during grilling. Reserve the remainder for use as a sauce at the table.

Burnt Caramel Bourbon Ice Cream with Dark Chocolate and Toffee

(personal adaptation from Jeni’s Ice Cream)

2 ½ cups whole milk

1 tbsp + 1 tsp cornstarch

4 tbsp cream cheese, softened

½ tsp fine sea salt

1 ¼ cups heavy cream

2 tbsp light corn syrup

2/3 cup sugar

¾ cup of your favorite bourbon

¾ cup chopped dark chocolate

¾ cup toffee pieces

In a small bowl, mix 2 tbsp milk with cornstarch to make a smooth slurry. Set aside. In a separate (medium) bowl, whisk cream cheese and salt until smooth. In a measuring cup with a spout, mix the cream with the corn syrup. Fill a large bowl with ice and water.

Heat the sugar in a 4-quart saucepan over medium heat until melted and golden amber in color (to do this effectively, add the sugar and then don't touch with a spatula until there is a full layer of melted and browning liquid sugar on the bottom with a small layer of unmelted white sugar on top. When the melted sugar edges start to darken, use the spatula to push the edges to the center to help everything finish melting. When it looks about like the color of a penny, remove the pan from the heat.

Once caramel is removed from heat, stir constantly and add a bit of the cream/corn syrup mixture to the caramel (warning: it will fizzle and pop!).  Keep adding the cream a little bit at a time until it is all incorporated.

Return the pan to medium-high heat and add the rest of the milk and the bourbon. Bring mixture to a rolling boil and boil for 4 minutes. Remove from heat and whisk in the cornstarch slurry.

Bring the mixture back to a boil over medium-high and cook for 1 minute until slightly thickened, stirring with a heatproof spatula. Remove from heat.

Pour in the cream cheese mixture and whisk until smooth. Pour the hot mixture into a gallon-sized Ziploc bag and seal before submerging in the bowl of ice and water. Allow to stand, adding more ice if necessary, for 30 minutes or until cold (I put the whole bowl in the fridge).

Pour liquid (or cut off the corner of the ziplock) into ice cream maker and churn according to manufacturer instructions. Before you pack ice cream into a storage container, gently stir in dark chocolate and toffee pieces. Freeze until firm, at least 4 hours.

Peach and Blueberry Pie

(recipe below copied exactly from Joy the Baker’s blog)

(I followed this recipe pretty religiously except that I omitted the blueberries)

For the Crust:

2 1/2 cup all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons sugar

3/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, cold, cut into cubes

5 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons ice cold water

1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

For the Filling:

about 3 pounds ripe peaches (I used about 6 peaches)

1 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 to 2/3 cups granulated sugar (depending on the sweetness of your peaches)

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

scant 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/8 teaspoon ground ginger

1/8 teaspoon ground coriander

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon cornstarch

2 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

1 egg, beaten, for egg wash

2 tablespoons sugar and 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon, for topping crust before baking

To make the crust, in a medium bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, and salt.  Add cold, cubed butter and, using your fingers, work the butter into the flour mixture.  Quickly break the butter down into the flour mixture, some butter pieces will be the size of oat flakes, some will be the size of peas. Stir together the ice cold water and vinegar.   Create a well in the butter and flour mixture and pour in the water and vinegar mixture.  Use a fork to bring to dough together.  Try to moisten all of the flour bits.  On a lightly floured work surface, dump out the dough mixture.  It will be moist and shaggy.  That’s perfect.  Divide the dough in two and gently knead into two disks.  Wrap each disk in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour.

To make the filling, wash and slice peaches.  In a medium bowl, combine peach slices and blueberries.  In a small bowl, whisk together sugar, spices, flour, and cornstarch.  Pour the sugar mixture over the fruit, and gently toss together with a wooden spoon.  Stir in the lemon juice.  Place bowl of fruit in the fridge to rest while you roll the crust out.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Place a rack in the center of the oven, and place a baking sheet on the lower rack, just below where you’re going to place the pie.  This will catch any pie drippings without making a mess of your oven.

Remove one of the pie dough disks from the fridge.  On a lightly floured surface, roll dough out into about a 13-inch round.  Roll the dough a few strokes, then use your fingers to move the emerging circle around the floured surface.  This ensures that the dough isn’t sticking to the work surface.  The circle won’t be perfect, that’s ok.  Try not to get any tears in the rolled out dough, but if you do, they can be patched together with extra dough.    When you roll the dough and you can see it start springing back, that means that the butter is warming and the crust shouldn’t be rolled out anymore.  Gently lift the 13-inch round from the floured surface and center in the 9-inch baking dish.  Place in the fridge while you roll out the top crust.

Roll out the top crust just as you did the bottom crust, moving the dough across the floured surface every once in a while, and creating a roughly 13-inch circle.  Remove the bottom crust and fruit filling from the fridge.  Gently pour the fruit filling into the pie dish.  Carefully remove the top crust from the work surface and drape over the fruit in the pie dish.  With a small knife, trim the crust, leaving about 3/4-inch overhang.  With your fingers press the top and bottom crusts together and fold under.  Use a fork or your fingers to crimp the edges of the dough.  Cut five small slits in the top of the crust so the juices and steam can vent.  Brush lightly with beaten egg and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar mixture.

Place pie in the oven and bake at 400 degrees F for 15 minutes.  Reduce the oven heat to 375 and bake for 45 to 55 more minutes.  Remove from the oven when crust is browned and golden, and the juices are bubbling.  Remove from the oven and allow to cool for 2 hours before serving.  Place covered in the fridge to store.  Pie lasts up to 3 or 4 days.

heartbruised

Pardon my absence. Ben and I have had a rough week.

On Monday morning, Ben dropped Sister, our sweet 6 month old love, off at the vet to get spayed. He received a phone call later that day with the news that Sister didn't make it. Just like that, she was ripped away from us. Some inexplicable human error during a usually benign procedure and she is gone.

I do not get good service in the hospital so I did not find out until 7 oclock as I was leaving. I thought he was kidding. He must be kidding. I stumbled into the elevator, tears already streaming down my face, just trying to make it to my car until I totally lost it. My heart just hurt so bad, like level 1 trauma bad, bruised and refusing to beat with this news. I screamed in the car. NO NO NO. Please tell me our baby-- who we have poured so much effort and time and sleep and money and cuddles into over the last 6 months-- was really going to be home when I got there. But she wasnt.

I tripped up the steps to my house and practically fell through the door, collapsing on the hardwood floor inside with most of the contents of my white coat spilling over the floor. Ben picked me up just enough to hold me in his arms and cry with me, his nearly dry of tears at this point, eyes puffy from the previous hours of trying to digest this news himself.

We were in shock. And then we were mad. And then we were weak. I did not know losing a dog could touch this deeply down into our stomachs and even make our ribs hurt. It is amazing how attached you get to something when it needs you.

It has been a few days now and most of our grief has turned into reflective moments of appreciation for all her good traits (and the occasional jest about how much she terrorized us). I cannot say we are over it, as I still wake up early and expect her to come to my side of the bed lay her head next to mine to remind me she is hungry and excited about the day. Time will heal.

To my people who read this: Love on your family, even if that family is furry and needy and licks your face too early in the morning.  Love on those that bring you little moments of joy and remind them that they do.