heartbruised

Pardon my absence. Ben and I have had a rough week.

On Monday morning, Ben dropped Sister, our sweet 6 month old love, off at the vet to get spayed. He received a phone call later that day with the news that Sister didn't make it. Just like that, she was ripped away from us. Some inexplicable human error during a usually benign procedure and she is gone.

I do not get good service in the hospital so I did not find out until 7 oclock as I was leaving. I thought he was kidding. He must be kidding. I stumbled into the elevator, tears already streaming down my face, just trying to make it to my car until I totally lost it. My heart just hurt so bad, like level 1 trauma bad, bruised and refusing to beat with this news. I screamed in the car. NO NO NO. Please tell me our baby-- who we have poured so much effort and time and sleep and money and cuddles into over the last 6 months-- was really going to be home when I got there. But she wasnt.

I tripped up the steps to my house and practically fell through the door, collapsing on the hardwood floor inside with most of the contents of my white coat spilling over the floor. Ben picked me up just enough to hold me in his arms and cry with me, his nearly dry of tears at this point, eyes puffy from the previous hours of trying to digest this news himself.

We were in shock. And then we were mad. And then we were weak. I did not know losing a dog could touch this deeply down into our stomachs and even make our ribs hurt. It is amazing how attached you get to something when it needs you.

It has been a few days now and most of our grief has turned into reflective moments of appreciation for all her good traits (and the occasional jest about how much she terrorized us). I cannot say we are over it, as I still wake up early and expect her to come to my side of the bed lay her head next to mine to remind me she is hungry and excited about the day. Time will heal.

To my people who read this: Love on your family, even if that family is furry and needy and licks your face too early in the morning.  Love on those that bring you little moments of joy and remind them that they do.