gray matters

I have learned that post call I am semi-emotional. Going on hour 24 of no sleep, somehow I start to perceive my life through more dramatic eyes, imbibing my normal existence with severely esoteric value. I start to feel my weaknesses and doubt my strengths. No matter that I did not once feel tired overnight (as long as I was standing and/or someone was bleeding), the moment I sit still, I start to evaluate myself harshly and doubtingly. Did I make those hours count? Was I a valuable at work? Did I serve unrestrainedly?

I want to phone a friend at this point and complain. I want them to tell me it will be fine. I want them to confirm who I am. But truly I am too self-restrained (even in this moment of weakness) to call anyone…because compared to those traumas that rolled into the ER, I am doing all right. I am alive and intact and returning home to a fabulous husBen and sweet dog that loves me. I am still moving all extremities and serving my purpose. I am relatively unburdened and free. So what could I possibly complain about?!?!

I want to create an app for the iPhone that people can call on their way home from work, sort of like a hotline, that one could call and complain to about whatever they so desire. Someone would answer the phone and let you b+tch freely, then affirm you in your disgust with humanity or really anything. You would then arrive home feeling heard and satisfied and just able to love on whoever else next you see. A) please do tell me if this already exists and B) I think this is what the rest of females already do to their girlfriends. But I rarely share my joys or self-praises so I conversely try not to share personal ailment (not a behavior I endorse or suggest, just in my nature I suppose).

 You see, Ben is about to take the Bar, so I am doing my best to be extreeeeeemmmly calm when I get home after work. I rarely have complaints; more often I just want to tell him about which patient’s arm almost fell off or why we should never ever drive a motorcycle.  I am excited about what I am doing and want to share it with him. At some point, however, I decided that GRAY MATTERS. It is important that we involve our closest people in the development of self. Whether that means successes or failures, it is okay to digest our experiences with others, even when trials persist or when our dominant color is gray. Somehow the verbalization of our hardest or best moments forces us to take stock of their importance.

With that said, I still feel solid in my desire to pursue surgery. I satisfy myself in exhaustion, whatever area of life, and I do not consider it fault to live this way. Perseverance builds on our healthy receipt of challenge… and I still consider this challenge a blessing.